Named characters

Major entities (proper, common)

FAC

51 here/Here
45 home
38 there
37 the penthouse/The penthouse
29 my room
26 the room/The room
23 the kitchen
17 my office
15 his room
13 the dance floor

GPE

7 town
6 the country
5 there
4 the city
4 this city
3 this place/This place
2 the town
2 a place
1 somewhere I ’ve never been
1 the Los Angeles

LOC

10 the world
4 the country
4 the area
3 the water
2 the universe
2 the earth
2 the ocean
2 this world
2 the planet
1 heaven

PER

51 each other
47 someone
38 babe
37 friends/Friends
32 everyone/Everyone
32 people/People
30 Dude/dude
30 baby/Baby
27 man/Man
26 my sister/My sister

ORG

11 the company/The company
4 our company
3 this company
2 your company
2 high school
2 the league
1 a . . .
1 a medical tech company
1 elementary school
1 Cane Real Estate

VEH

22 the car
10 my car
7 the plane
6 the van
3 the airplane
3 the elevator
2 his car
2 your car
2 the carousel
2 a plane

Text

Published by Hot - Lanta Publishing , LLC Copyright 2022 Cover Design By : RBA Designs

This book is licensed for [your]_319-your personal enjoyment only . This book may not be re - sold or given away to [other people]_{320-other people} . If [you]_319-your would like to share this book with [another person]_{321-another person} , please purchase an additional copy for [each person]_{322-each person} . If [you]_319-your ’re reading this book and did not purchase it , or it was not purchased for [your]_319-your use only , then please return it and purchase [your]_319-your own copy . Thank [you]_319-your for respecting the hard work of [this author]_{323-this author} .

No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means , including information storage and retrieval systems , without written permission from [the author]_{324-the author} , except for the use of brief quotations in a book review . To obtain permission to excerpt portions of the text , please contact [the author]_{324-the author} at meghan.quinn.author@gmail.com

All characters in this book are fiction and figments of [the author]_{324-the author} ’s imagination .

www.authormeghanquinn.com

Copyright © 2022 [Meghan Quinn]_85-meghan All rights reserved .

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Contents

Prologue

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Epilogue

Excerpt - The Perfect Catch

More Books by [Meghan]_85-meghan

Prologue

KELSEY

“ [Kelsey]_86-kelsey , it ’s a known fact [men]_2682-men and [women]_2683-women ca n’t have a working relationship and be [friends]_2684-friends at the same time . ”_[87-jp] [JP Cane]_87-jp leans against the edge of the conference room table , tattooed arms crossed at [his]_87-jp annoyingly brawny chest , sleeves of [his]_87-jp dress shirt folded up to [his]_87-jp elbows , and sporting a smirk that is more infuriating than charming . “ What on earth are [you]_87-jp talking about ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask as [I]_0-i sit hunched over a mountain of design papers . Still leaning against the table , [he]_87-jp lowers [his]_87-jp hands casually and grips the edge as [he]_87-jp says , “ The other night , when [we]_2685-we were having dinner with [Huxley]_90-huxley and [Lottie]_89-kelsey , [you]_89-kelsey said [we]_2685-we could be [friends]_2684-friends . ”_[87-jp] [Lottie]_89-kelsey is [[my]_0-i older sister]_{327-my older sister} — by twelve months — and [[my]_0-i best friend]_{328-my best friend} . [She]_89-kelsey ’s engaged to [the incomparable [Huxley Cane]_90-huxley , [[our]_330-our boss]_{331-our boss} and [the brother of the bane of [my]_0-i existence standing before [me]_0-i]_{332-the brother of the bane of my existence standing before me}]_{329-the incomparable huxley cane , our boss and the brother of the bane of my existence standing before me} . How [we]_330-our all came to know [each other]_{333-each other} is still an extremely fascinating story of luck . The quick and dirty explanation ? [Lottie]_89-kelsey was looking for [a rich husband]_{334-a rich husband} to save face with [an archenemy]_{335-an archenemy} , [Huxley]_90-huxley was looking for a fake fiancée in order to secure a business arrangement . [They]_336-they bumped into [each other]_{333-each other} on [the sidewalk]_{338-the sidewalk} . [They]_336-they formed a deal to help [each other]_{333-each other} , signed a contract , and [she]_89-kelsey moved into [[his]_{329-the incomparable huxley cane , our boss and the brother of the bane of my existence standing before me} mansion]_{340-his mansion} . It ’s all Pretty Woman - esque , without the hooker aspect . Although . . . [Lottie]_89-kelsey had a hard time staying away from [Huxley]_90-huxley ’s alpha advances . But while [she]_89-kelsey was playing the role of [the doting , madly - in - love fiancée]_{341-the doting , madly - in - love fiancée} , [she]_89-kelsey was helping [me]_0-i with [my]_0-i business , Sustainably Organized . That ’s how [we]_342-we were hired by [Cane Enterprises]_{1-cane enterprises} and how [I]_0-i found [myself]_0-i working closely with [JP]_87-jp because [he]_87-jp was [the one assigned to [[my]_0-i projects]_{344-my projects}]_{343-the one assigned to my projects} . Like [I]_0-i said , a whirlwind . [I]_0-i still ca n’t believe it happened this way . “ Do [you]_0-i have a rebuttal ? ”_[87-jp] [JP]_87-jp asks , pulling [me]_0-i from [my]_0-i thoughts . Seeing that this meeting is going nowhere , [I]_0-i toss [my]_0-i pen to the table and stand tall . “ First of all , [we]_342-we were n’t having dinner together with [Huxley]_90-huxley and [Lottie]_89-kelsey . It was n’t a double date — ”_[0-i] “ Jesus , [I]_87-jp know , ”_[87-jp] [he]_87-jp says , exasperated . “ [You]_0-i made that very clear three and a half times . ”_[87-jp] [He]_87-jp uses [his]_87-jp fingers to tick off the instances . “ When [we]_342-we rang the doorbell , because [we]_342-we happened to arrive at the same time . When [we]_342-we were in [the kitchen]_{2687-the kitchen} , both reaching for the same champagne . Outside by [the pool]_{2688-the pool} when [we]_342-we happened to get left at the table alone . And in [the living room]_{2689-the living room} , [you]_0-i were midway through telling [me]_87-jp [we]_342-we were n’t on a double date when [Lottie]_89-kelsey interrupted [you]_0-i to show [you]_0-i a new ‘ toy ’ [she]_89-kelsey got . ”_[87-jp] [He]_87-jp grins , flashing those annoyingly straight teeth of [his]_87-jp . “ Still waiting on the details of the new toy . ”_[87-jp] “ And secondly . . . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i continue . No way am [I]_0-i telling [him]_87-jp about that . . . device , [Huxley]_90-huxley got [Lottie]_89-kelsey . Nope . [I]_0-i ’m blushing just thinking about it . “ Why on earth ca n’t [we]_2690-we be [friends]_2684-friends ? ”_[0-i] “ Is n’t it obvious ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i glance around [the room]_{345-the room} , trying to see if [I]_0-i ’ve missed any clues , but [I]_0-i spot absolutely nothing . [I]_0-i look back at [him]_87-jp and say , “ No . No , it ’s not obvious . ”_[0-i] [He]_87-jp shakes [his]_87-jp head and moves around the conference table to sit on it , right next to [me]_0-i . “ Because , [Kelsey]_89-kelsey , there ’s a palpable attraction between [us]_2692-us . ”_[87-jp] [I]_0-i snort so hard [I]_0-i spray snot on the design plans in front of [me]_0-i . Casually , [I]_0-i wipe away the droplets with [my]_0-i hand . An attraction ? [I]_0-i mean . . . sure , [JP]_87-jp is [a very handsome man]_{346-a very handsome man} . An obvious handsome , if [you]_347-you ’re into the steep cut of [his]_87-jp jawline that ’s peppered by a thick , dark beard . [His]_87-jp sexy , tousled hair curls ever so slightly on top but is faded short on the sides , and the hidden tattoos that only appear when [he]_87-jp ’s comfortable with [his]_87-jp present company . Yes , [he]_87-jp ’s handsome , sexy , [I]_0-i might have said a time or two . But there ’s more to [a human being]_{348-a human being} than just finding [them]_{348-a human being} physically attractive , at least for [me]_0-i . For [me]_0-i to actually find [someone attractive]_{349-someone attractive} , [they]_{349-someone attractive} need to have a good heart , a desirable personality , and be able to make [me]_0-i laugh . Not sure [JP]_87-jp has a heart , and [his]_87-jp personality reads like that of [an attention - seeking middle child with an aptitude for not taking anything seriously]_{350-an attention - seeking middle child with an aptitude for not taking anything seriously} . [He]_87-jp might have a good one - liner here and there , but [his]_87-jp overall ability to provoke , annoy , and irritate [me]_0-i wins out . [He]_87-jp must have one of [the messiest offices [I]_0-i ’ve ever seen]_{351-the messiest offices i ’ve ever seen} , * whispers * which is a complete turn off for [a detail - oriented person like [I]_0-i am]_{352-a detail - oriented person like i am} . Who could look at [someone sexually]_{353-someone sexually} when [his]_{353-someone sexually} desk is stacked in papers and covered by coffee cups and pens with mismatched lids ? So , am [I]_0-i attracted to [JP]_87-jp ? That would be a definite no . “ [You]_87-jp really think there ’s an attraction between [us]_2693-us ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask . “ [Babe]_91-babe , [I]_0-i can smell the sexual chemistry , and because it ’s so palpable , so thick , so . . . musky — ”_[0-i] “ Eww , it ’s not musky . ”_[87-jp] What am [I]_0-i saying ? It ’s not anything . There ’s no chemistry . Nothing is palpable , and there ’s absolutely no thickness . . . none . Nor is anything musky . Who even describes attraction as musky ? But [he]_87-jp ignores [me]_0-i and continues [his]_87-jp far - fetched diatribe . “ [We]_2693-us ca n’t possibly be [work friends]_{2694-work friends} because the attraction between [us]_2693-us will always and forever put the thought of sex on the table . ”_[87-jp] This time [I]_0-i hold back [my]_0-i snort and let silence fill the air for a few breaths before [I]_0-i close the space between [us]_354-us until [our]_354-us faces are only a few inches apart . Despite [him]_87-jp being almost a foot taller than [I]_0-i am , [I]_0-i can still look [him]_87-jp in the eyes as [I]_0-i ask , “ Are [you]_87-jp feverish ? Is that what ’s happening ? [You]_87-jp ’ve come down with something and this is how [you]_87-jp act ? ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i ’m [a specimen of health]_{2695-a specimen of health} . [You]_0-i should know that . [You]_0-i check [me]_0-i out enough . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i do not . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i do n’t . Just need to make that clear . [I]_0-i really do n’t . [He]_87-jp guffaws , a sound so annoying that [my]_0-i molars grind together . “ Why do [you]_87-jp think [my]_87-jp sleeves are rolled up right now ? ”_[87-jp] [I]_0-i glance down at [his]_87-jp inked forearms — okay , sure , those are sexy , probably the best thing about [the man]_{355-the man} . That ’s it , though , the forearms . Ca n’t blame [a girl]_{356-a girl} for delighting in some arm porn , right , [ladies]_357-ladies ? [He]_87-jp leans in close . “ Because [I]_87-jp know how much [they]_2696-they turn [you]_357-ladies on . ”_[87-jp] [I]_0-i press [my]_0-i hand against [his]_87-jp face , stopping whatever [he]_87-jp ’s attempting to do . “ Do [you]_87-jp understand how massively inappropriate this is ? [I]_0-i ’m [[your]_87-jp employee]_{2697-your employee} . ”_[0-i] “ Technically , [you]_0-i ’re [[Huxley]_90-huxley ’s employee]_{2698-huxley ’s employee} , [I]_87-jp ’m just [the overseer of things]_{2699-the overseer of things} . ”_[87-jp] “ Is that the professional term ? ”_[87-jp] [He]_87-jp flashes that irritating grin of [his]_87-jp . “ It is . ”_[87-jp] [He]_87-jp wets [his]_87-jp lips but [I]_0-i keep [my]_0-i eyes trained on [his]_87-jp eyes . There ’s no way [I]_0-i ’ll give [him]_87-jp the satisfaction of glancing at [his]_87-jp mouth . “ Not sure why [you]_87-jp ’re getting all flustered and red in the face . ”_[0-i] “ [I]_0-i ’m not flustered . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i straighten [my]_0-i arms at [my]_0-i sides . “ [I]_0-i ’m trying to be [an honest do - gooder]_{2700-an honest do - gooder} right now , attempting to educate [you]_87-jp on why [we]_2701-we ca n’t be [friends]_2684-friends . [I]_0-i should be praised , not disparaged with [your]_87-jp sneer . ”_[0-i] Before [I]_0-i can respond , [he]_87-jp keeps moving forward with [his]_87-jp so - called do - gooder ’s education . “ [A man]_{2703-a man} and [a woman who find [each other]_{333-each other} attractive and who work together]_{2704-a woman who find each other attractive and who work together} will never be able to be [friends]_2684-friends . There will always be a giant elephant in [the room]_{345-the room} , and that elephant ’s name is Sex . It ’s basic human math , [Kelsey]_89-kelsey . [We]_2701-we all need to climax , and when [we]_2701-we find [someone who ’s attractive]_{2708-someone who ’s attractive} , [we]_2701-we want [that person]_{2709-that person} to help [us]_2701-we climax . ”_[87-jp] Is [anyone else]_{358-anyone else} hearing this ? [God]_92-god , [he]_87-jp could not cheapen the act of making love any more . Is it an ego boost [JP]_87-jp thinks [I]_0-i ’m attractive ? Yep . But where ’s the romance these days ? Where ’s the wooing ? Where ’s the spontaneity ? Even [Lottie]_89-kelsey and [Huxley]_90-huxley will admit there was nothing romantic about how [their]_359-their relationship started . It all seems so clinical these days . As [a true romantic who loves everything about love]_{360-a true romantic who loves everything about love} , [I]_0-i ca n’t help wondering if there ’s [a man out there who checks all the boxes of [the perfect romcom hero]_{362-the perfect romcom hero}]_{361-a man out there who checks all the boxes of the perfect romcom hero} . Noooo , now [we]_363-we have to deal with catfishing , followed by an unsolicited dick pic , and then finalized by a solid ghosting . [I]_0-i ’m so sick of it . Hands on [my]_0-i hips , [I]_0-i turn toward [him]_87-jp and ask , “ What the hell happened to make [you]_87-jp like this ? [I]_0-i asked [you]_87-jp what [you]_87-jp thought about bamboo filing cabinets and it turned into this argument about why [we]_363-we ca n’t be [friends]_2684-friends . [I]_0-i do n’t see how this conversation is relevant to [my]_0-i question . ”_[0-i] “ It ’s relevant , ”_[87-jp] [he]_87-jp says , sliding in closer , [his]_87-jp shoe now pressing against [my]_0-i heel , “ because when [your]_0-i hungry eyes are devouring [me]_87-jp from across the conference table but [your]_0-i attitude is attempting to put [me]_87-jp in the friend zone , [I]_87-jp ’m going to call [you]_0-i out on it . [You]_0-i said [you]_0-i want to be [friends]_2684-friends , but that ’s not going to happen . ”_[87-jp] A delusion , that ’s what [he]_87-jp ’s experiencing . And [someone]_364-someone needs to put [him]_87-jp in [his]_87-jp place . [I]_0-i press [my]_0-i finger to [his]_87-jp chest and say , “ Trust [me]_0-i , [JP]_87-jp , if [I]_0-i found [you]_87-jp the least bit attractive , [you]_87-jp ’d know it . What [you]_0-i ’re believing are hungry eyes for [you]_0-i , is [a ravenous woman who had one waffle slathered in peanut butter]_{2712-a ravenous woman who had one waffle slathered in peanut butter} at six this morning . Hunger hallucination has set in , and [your]_0-i meager body — ”_[0-i] “ Meager ? Pfft . ”_[0-i] “ — has morphed into a giant meatball sub in [my]_87-jp mind , nothing more . Convince [yourself]_87-jp all [you]_87-jp want about what [you]_87-jp assume is [my]_87-jp attraction toward [you]_87-jp , but from [my]_87-jp mouth to [your]_87-jp headstrong ears , [I]_87-jp could n’t find [you]_87-jp any more revolting . ”_[87-jp] [His]_87-jp brows shoot up in surprise . Honestly , [I]_0-i ’m slightly surprised [myself]_0-i . Revolting is n’t the right word , but [I]_0-i ’m on a roll . “ And if [I]_87-jp had any romantic inkling toward [you]_87-jp , [I]_87-jp would n’t be wearing this simple , almost homely blouse that does nothing to show off [my]_87-jp perfect , bouncy breasts . ”_[87-jp] [He]_87-jp wets [his]_87-jp lips as [he]_87-jp glances down briefly at [my]_0-i chest and then back up . “ And [I]_87-jp would n’t be wearing underwear , either , on the off chance that [you]_87-jp pulled [me]_87-jp on top of this conference table and spread [my]_87-jp legs for a small taste . ”_[87-jp] [His]_87-jp Adam ’s apple bobs . “ And [I]_87-jp sure as hell would n’t be mentally pleading for this conversation to end so [I]_87-jp can pack up and retreat to [[my]_87-jp studio apartment]_{2713-my studio apartment} to eat dinner peacefully alone without [an imperious imbecile like [yourself]_87-jp]_{2714-an imperious imbecile like yourself} chirping in [my]_87-jp ear about work relationships . Because , [JP]_87-jp , if [I]_87-jp wanted [you]_87-jp , [I]_87-jp would want to steal , consume , and savor every second [I]_87-jp had with [you]_87-jp . ”_[87-jp] [He]_87-jp reaches out to [me]_0-i just as [I]_0-i twist away to gather [my]_0-i papers . “ But that ’s not the case here . ”_[87-jp] [I]_0-i smile at [him]_87-jp . “ [I]_0-i ca n’t get away from [you]_87-jp fast enough . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i am [woman]_365-woman ! Hear [me]_0-i roar ! [His]_87-jp nostrils flare . [His]_87-jp jaw ticks . And [he]_87-jp stuffs [his]_87-jp hands in [his]_87-jp dress pant pockets where they belong . “ Now that [we]_2715-we ’ve cleared that up , [I]_87-jp ’ll leave since [we]_2715-we ’re getting nothing done [here]_2716-here and [a meatball sub]_{2717-a meatball sub} is calling [my]_87-jp name . [I]_87-jp ’m going to assume [you]_87-jp approve of the bamboo filing cabinets . ”_[87-jp] [I]_0-i collect the papers together and then tap them on the table , evening them into one solid stack . “ [We]_2715-we still ca n’t be [friends]_2684-friends , ”_[87-jp] [he]_87-jp says , [his]_87-jp voice strangled . [God]_92-god , is [he]_87-jp still on that ? Let ’s add mental ability of a gnat to [his]_87-jp list of incompatible qualities . “ Good . When [I]_0-i said that the other night , [I]_0-i was just attempting to be kind , [you]_87-jp know , since [[your]_87-jp company]_{2719-your company} hired [mine]_0-i , but now that [our]_2715-we feelings are out in the open , [we]_2715-we can live [our]_2715-we lives without this fake , bullshit friendship . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i gently place [my]_0-i papers in [my]_0-i folder and then in [my]_0-i bag along with [my]_0-i pens , keeping them color - coded , of course . “ Now , if [you]_87-jp do n’t mind , [I]_0-i have an appointment to stuff [my]_0-i mouth full of meat . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i move past [him]_87-jp , [my]_0-i shoulder bumping against [his]_87-jp , but [he]_87-jp places [his]_87-jp hand on [my]_0-i hip , pausing [my]_0-i retreat . [His]_87-jp touch is barely a blip on [my]_0-i bodice , but [I]_0-i shiver reluctantly . [Our]_366-us shoulders meet , side by side , and when [I]_0-i look forward , avoiding eye contact with [him]_87-jp , [he]_87-jp leans in and whispers into [my]_0-i ear , [his]_87-jp lips inches away . “ The only bullshit thing between [us]_366-us is that spiel [you]_0-i just laid out . Deny it all [you]_0-i want , but [I]_87-jp know [you]_0-i want [me]_87-jp . The quicker [you]_0-i accept that , the better [you]_0-i will feel . ”_[87-jp] Despite the heavy beat of [my]_0-i heart , [I]_0-i know it ’s [my]_0-i time to turn [my]_0-i head , and when [I]_0-i do , [our]_366-us noses nearly touch . With all the bravado [I]_0-i can muster , [I]_0-i say , “ The sooner [you]_0-i realize [I]_0-i ’m out of [your]_0-i league . . . the better [you]_0-i will feel . ”_[0-i] It was n’t always like this between [us]_366-us . When [I]_0-i first met [him]_367-he , all [I]_0-i could think about was how truly , stunningly handsome [he]_367-he was , with [his]_367-he mossy - green stare and a cocky air about [him]_367-he that demanded [my]_0-i attention . [He]_367-he was everything [a girl]_{356-a girl} fantasizes about . For the briefest of moments , [I]_0-i thought that maybe , just maybe , there could be something between [us]_366-us . That if [he]_367-he asked [me]_0-i out on a date , [I]_0-i would ’ve said yes . But when [my]_0-i business was toeing the line of becoming successful under [his]_367-he leadership , [I]_0-i knew [I]_0-i would n’t mix business with pleasure , not when [I]_0-i worked so hard to get to where [I]_0-i was . So [I]_0-i pushed [my]_0-i initial thoughts to the side and , sadly , [I]_0-i ’ve come to see [him]_367-he differently now . [He]_367-he regularly waltzes into meetings smelling like last night ’s perfume . [He]_367-he ’s often distracted by [his]_367-he phone , and when [I]_0-i ’ve looked over , there ’s always been [a different woman]_{369-a different woman} ’s name on the screen . [He]_367-he ’s flirty and clearly not someone interested in long - term anything . [He]_367-he teases about love , [he]_367-he jokes about forever , and [he]_367-he ’s never serious . And that ’s not what [I]_0-i want despite [my]_0-i initial attraction . With [my]_0-i head held high , [I]_0-i move past [him]_367-he , out the door of [the conference room]_{370-the conference room} , and to [the elevators]_{371-the elevators} . [I]_0-i have no idea why [JP]_87-jp is droning on about this attraction between [us]_372-us . It ’s not as though [I]_0-i ’ve led [him]_367-he on . [I]_0-i ’m [a firm believer in love]_{373-a firm believer in love} . Therefore , [I]_0-i ’m looking for love . Not a fling , not a sexy one - night stand . [I]_0-i ’m looking for [[my]_0-i soulmate]_{374-my soulmate} , just like [the soulmates on [my]_0-i semi - popular podcast]_{375-the soulmates on my semi - popular podcast} . [I]_0-i want forever . [JP Cane]_87-jp can believe what [he]_87-jp wants , but if there ’s one thing [I]_0-i know for sure in this romance desert that is [my]_0-i life , [he]_87-jp and [I]_0-i are so not meant to be .

* * *

[JP]_87-jp

Let [me]_0-i guess . . . [Kelsey]_89-kelsey told [you]_87-jp [we]_376-we ’re so not meant to be , right ? * Rolls eyes * Of course [she]_89-kelsey did . Not that [I]_0-i ’m looking for forever , because [I]_0-i ’m not . [I]_0-i ’m just looking for a good time . [I]_0-i ’ve had too much loss in [my]_0-i life to commit to [anyone]_377-anyone . Yeah , [I]_0-i ’m [that guy]_{378-that guy} . Psychoanalyze [me]_0-i all [you]_379-you want , but it ’s not going to change the fact that [my]_0-i fear of commitment is a real thing . But [I]_0-i ’ll say this — if [anyone]_377-anyone was going to change [my]_0-i mind about that , it would be [Kelsey]_89-kelsey . [She]_89-kelsey ’s . . . hell , [she]_89-kelsey ’s all kinds of special . From the first moment [I]_0-i saw [her]_89-kelsey during [her]_89-kelsey pitch meeting with [us]_381-us , [I]_0-i was wowed . But working closely together , [I]_0-i was enamored . [Her]_89-kelsey smile , [her]_89-kelsey positive outlook on life , [her]_89-kelsey fucking gorgeous eyes , [she]_89-kelsey stole [my]_0-i breath , and it was the first time in [my]_0-i goddamn life that [I]_0-i actually thought to [myself]_0-i . . . [she]_89-kelsey could be [my]_0-i forever . Talk about scaring the shit out of [myself]_0-i . It was like a Nordic breeze shot right up [my]_0-i ass . Absolutely chilling . [I]_0-i could n’t be thinking that way . [I]_0-i could n’t be thinking about * gulp * forever . So , being [a mature adult]_{382-a mature adult} , [I]_0-i ’ve chosen to deflect . To annoy . To keep [her]_89-kelsey as far away as possible . And [boy]_383-boy was it working . [I]_0-i got under [her]_89-kelsey skin . Whenever [she]_89-kelsey looks at [me]_0-i , [she]_89-kelsey wants to murder [me]_0-i . Whenever [I]_0-i look at [her]_89-kelsey , [I]_0-i think . . . well , [she]_89-kelsey ’s hot , but [she]_89-kelsey wants to murder [me]_0-i , therefore , stay away . And like [I]_0-i said , it worked . It worked so fucking well . . . until it did n’t anymore . [You]_384-you can ONLY imagine what happens next . . .

Chapter One

[KELSEY]_89-kelsey

Meant to Be Podcast [Alec]_93-alec and [Luna Kelsey]_94-luna : Welcome , [listener]_385-listener , to the Meant to Be Podcast , where [we]_386-we talk to [madly - in - love couples]_{387-madly - in - love couples} about the way [they]_{387-madly - in - love couples} met . [Alec]_93-alec and [Luna]_94-luna , thank [you]_388-you so much for joining [me]_0-i today . [Alec]_93-alec : [Our]_386-we pleasure . [Luna]_94-luna could not stop raving about [you]_388-you . [Luna]_94-luna : Guilty . [I]_0-i ’m obsessed with this podcast . [Kelsey]_94-luna : Thank [you]_388-you so much . So then , [you]_388-you must know how [we]_386-we run things over here . The intro is [you]_386-we two giving [us]_386-we a quick rundown on [your]_388-you meet - cute . Think [you]_386-we can do it ? [Luna]_94-luna : [We]_386-we can . [Alec]_93-alec : [She]_389-she made [me]_0-i practice . [Kelsey]_94-luna : Ha - ha . Well then , take it away . How did [you]_386-we two become meant to be ? [Luna]_94-luna : [[My]_0-i brother]_{390-my brother} got engaged to [[his]_{390-my brother} boyfriend]_{391-his boyfriend} and [they]_392-they could n’t afford a big , fancy wedding , so [I]_0-i signed [him]_{390-my brother} up for a DIY wedding show called The Wedding Game . [Alec]_93-alec : [[My]_0-i brother]_{390-my brother} , [Thad]_95-thad , was [a groomzilla]_{394-a groomzilla} and wanted to win the grand prize at the end of the show , [an apartment overlooking [Central Park]_{2-central park}]_{395-an apartment overlooking central park} , and laid a guilt trip to force [me]_0-i to help . [Luna]_94-luna : First day of shooting , [Alec]_93-alec assumed [I]_0-i was [a PA]_{396-a pa} and demanded [I]_0-i get [him]_93-alec coffee . [Alec]_93-alec : Asked , not demanded . Let ’s keep things straight , but , yes , [I]_0-i did . And [you]_94-luna can imagine how [the little spitfire next to [me]_0-i]_{397-the little spitfire next to me} reacted . [Luna]_94-luna : [I]_0-i had it out for [him]_93-alec . [He]_93-alec was the competition and [he]_93-alec was going down . [Alec]_93-alec : [I]_0-i did n’t care about the competition at all and was counting down the days until it was done . Then [I]_0-i realized what [a bad brother]_{398-a bad brother} [I]_0-i was being and how sad [Thad]_95-thad was , so . . . [I]_0-i put in the effort . [Luna]_94-luna : Effort meant following [me]_0-i around [a baking store]_{399-a baking store} so [he]_93-alec could learn how to bake a cake . [Alec]_93-alec : [I]_0-i knocked over some nuts , and [she]_400-she helped [me]_0-i pick them up and found [me]_0-i out . [She]_400-she took pity on [me]_0-i and showed [me]_0-i how to bake a cake to help [Thad]_95-thad . [Luna]_94-luna : That day in [[my]_0-i apartment]_{401-my apartment} changed everything . [I]_0-i did n’t see [him]_95-thad as competition . [I]_0-i saw [him]_95-thad as [a brother]_{402-a brother} trying to make a difference . [Alec]_93-alec : [She]_400-she ’s a sucker for [family]_403-family , and so shortly after that , [I]_0-i asked [her]_400-she out . [Luna]_94-luna : [We]_404-you got married last spring .

* * *

“ Can [you]_404-you two stop making out ? Honestly , [I]_89-kelsey came here to have dinner with [you]_404-you , not see [you]_404-you lick [each other]_{333-each other} ’s faces . ”_[89-kelsey] [Lottie]_89-kelsey pauses and looks over [her]_89-kelsey shoulder . “ But [he]_95-thad smells so good . Have [you]_89-kelsey smelled [him]_95-thad ? ”_[89-kelsey] “ [I]_90-huxley have n’t , because [he]_95-thad ’s not [[my]_90-huxley boyfriend]_{2721-my boyfriend} . ”_[90-huxley] [Huxley]_90-huxley twists [Lottie]_89-kelsey off [him]_405-he onto the outdoor couch [they]_404-you ’re sharing and lifts [her]_89-kelsey chin to [his]_405-he lips . “ [I]_405-he ’m going to go check on the pizza . ”_[405-he] [He]_405-he presses the lightest of kisses to [her]_89-kelsey lips and then stands . “ [Kelse]_96-kelse , can [I]_405-he get [you]_96-kelse a refill on [your]_96-kelse drink ? ”_[405-he] [I]_0-i hold up [my]_0-i wineglass to [him]_405-he and say , “ Please , thank [you]_405-he . ”_[0-i] [Huxley]_90-huxley has the best wines . [He]_405-he does n’t drink much of it , so [I]_0-i always make a point to put a dent in [his]_405-he labels when [I]_0-i ’m over for dinner , which is at least once a week . And eating outside is always [my]_0-i choice . [Huxley]_90-huxley and [Lottie]_89-kelsey have [a gorgeous , coastal - style house with white walls and black accents just outside [Beverly Hills]_{3-beverly hills} in [The Flats]_{407-the flats}]_{406-a gorgeous , coastal - style house with white walls and black accents just outside beverly hills in the flats} . [The backyard]_{408-the backyard} has [a breathtaking infinity pool that stretches the length of [the property]_{410-the property}]_{409-a breathtaking infinity pool that stretches the length of the property} and expensive yet massively comfortable patio furniture . Tall palm trees add privacy . [Their backyard]_{411-their backyard} is [[my]_0-i favorite place]_{412-my favorite place} . When [he]_405-he disappears into [the house]_{413-the house} , [Lottie]_89-kelsey leans toward [me]_0-i and asks , “ [Kelsey]_89-kelsey , [you]_89-kelsey know that vibrator [I]_89-kelsey showed [you]_89-kelsey the other night ? ”_[89-kelsey] “ Yes ? ”_[89-kelsey] [She]_89-kelsey looks over [her]_89-kelsey shoulder , checking on [Huxley]_90-huxley , and then says , “ [I]_89-kelsey blacked out . [He]_405-he legit had to shake [me]_89-kelsey back to consciousness . [He]_405-he wo n’t use it on [me]_89-kelsey anymore even though [I]_89-kelsey ’m begging desperately for it . ”_[89-kelsey] Keeping [my]_0-i expression neutral , [I]_0-i say , “ Is n’t that lovely . Congratulations on the intense orgasm . ”_[0-i] [Lottie]_89-kelsey ’s brows tilt down . “ Hey , am [I]_89-kelsey sensing some sarcasm ? ”_[89-kelsey] “ What clued [you]_{414-my sister} in ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i cross one leg over the other , wishing [I]_0-i did n’t ask for a refill on wine . “ Uh , the attitude . What the hell is going on ? ”_[89-kelsey] Sighing , [I]_0-i look [[my]_0-i sister]_{414-my sister} in the eye and say , “ [I]_0-i ’m very happy for [you]_89-kelsey and [Huxley]_90-huxley and [your]_89-kelsey love , but [I]_0-i ’m [the perpetually single one]_{2722-the perpetually single one} , and it ’s hard to watch . ”_[0-i] “ Are [you]_0-i jealous ? ”_[89-kelsey] [she]_89-kelsey asks . “ Yes , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i answer , not even trying to avoid the truth . [Lottie]_89-kelsey is [[my]_0-i best friend]_{328-my best friend} and [I]_0-i tell [her]_89-kelsey everything , even if it makes [me]_0-i look bad . “ [I]_0-i ’m very jealous that [you]_89-kelsey have this consuming relationship with [a man who worships [you]_89-kelsey]_{2723-a man who worships you} , and [I]_0-i do n’t even have one prospect . ”_[0-i] “ That ’s not true , ”_[89-kelsey] [Lottie]_89-kelsey says as [Huxley]_90-huxley rejoins [us]_416-us , handing [us]_416-us both glasses of wine . “ What about [JP]_87-jp ? ”_[90-huxley] “ Oh , please , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i groan and then send [my]_0-i apologies to [Huxley]_90-huxley . “ No offense to [you]_90-huxley since [he]_87-jp ’s [[your]_90-huxley brother]_{2724-your brother} , but [JP]_87-jp is [a moron]_{2725-a moron} . ”_[90-huxley] “ No offense taken . [I]_90-huxley agree with [you]_89-kelsey , ”_[90-huxley] [Huxley]_90-huxley says as [he]_417-he drapes [his]_417-he arm behind [Lottie]_89-kelsey and pulls [her]_89-kelsey against [his]_417-he side while bringing [his]_417-he beer bottle to [his]_417-he lips . “ How is [he]_87-jp [a moron]_{2725-a moron} ? ”_[89-kelsey] [Lottie]_89-kelsey asks . “ Where to start ? ”_[90-huxley] [Huxley]_90-huxley asks , looking so composed and regal . If [Huxley]_90-huxley , [JP]_87-jp , and [Breaker]_97-breaker — [[their]_418-their other brother]_{419-their other brother} — didn’t all look so much alike , [I]_0-i would question [their]_418-their relationship to each other . [I]_0-i ’ve always liked [Huxley]_90-huxley , even when [Lottie]_89-kelsey hated [him]_417-he . It was easy to get along with [him]_417-he because [he]_417-he ’s very business - minded , smart , and can remain impartial . [He]_417-he ’s savvy with work decisions , enjoys helping , and loves deeply . [He]_417-he ’s the total package . [I]_0-i ’m very grateful [Lottie]_89-kelsey found [him]_417-he , but [God]_92-god , if only [JP]_87-jp had an ounce of [Huxley]_90-huxley in [him]_87-jp , it would make being around [him]_87-jp bearable . “ [JP]_87-jp is fun , the kind of fun [you]_0-i need , ”_[89-kelsey] [Lottie]_89-kelsey says . “ [I]_89-kelsey love [you]_0-i , [Kelse]_96-kelse , but [you]_0-i ’re a bit uptight . ”_[89-kelsey] “ [I]_0-i am not uptight , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i defend . “ [I]_0-i just know what [I]_0-i like and what [I]_0-i do n’t like , and trust [me]_0-i when [I]_0-i say [I]_0-i do n’t like [JP]_87-jp . [He]_87-jp ’s annoying and thinks too highly of [himself]_87-jp and , frankly , [he]_87-jp ’s far too messy for [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ All facts , ”_[90-huxley] [Huxley]_90-huxley says . “ [Kelsey]_89-kelsey deserves better . ”_[90-huxley] “ That ’s [[your]_0-i brother]_{2724-your brother} , ”_[89-kelsey] [Lottie]_89-kelsey says . “ [I]_89-kelsey ’m aware , [babe]_2728-babe . But [I]_89-kelsey agree with [Kelsey]_89-kelsey . [They]_2729-they are n’t a good match . ”_[89-kelsey] “ Thank [you]_89-kelsey . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i sip [my]_0-i wine . “ And since [we]_2730-we ’re on the topic , [I]_0-i ’ll let [you]_89-kelsey know [I]_0-i ’m thinking about joining [that local dating app]_{2731-that local dating app} . [You]_89-kelsey know , the one with [the blind date restaurant]_{2732-the blind date restaurant} ? ”_[0-i] “ Wait , the one that [Noely Clark]_{98-noely clark} from Good Morning , [Malibu]_99-malibu has boasted about ? The one where [she]_89-kelsey found love ? What ’s it called ? ”_[89-kelsey] “ Going in Blind , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say . “ Yes . ”_[0-i] [She]_89-kelsey snaps [her]_89-kelsey finger at [me]_0-i . “ Oh [my]_89-kelsey God , did n’t [you]_0-i interview [her]_89-kelsey and [Jack]_100-jack on [your]_0-i podcast ? ”_[89-kelsey] [I]_0-i nod . “ Yes , that ’s where [I]_89-kelsey got the idea . [She]_89-kelsey was telling [me]_89-kelsey all about it while [we]_2733-we were n’t recording , and it seems really interesting . Like , maybe [I]_89-kelsey could actually find someone like - minded . ”_[89-kelsey] “ How does it work ? ”_[90-huxley] [Huxley]_90-huxley asks . “ It ’s all anonymous through an app , but [everyone]_{2734-everyone} is put through a background check and screened to make sure there ’s no catfishing . Then , the app matches [you]_2735-you with [people]_2736-people . [You]_2735-you do n’t know who [the person]_{2737-the person} is by name or what [they]_{2737-the person} look like , and [you]_2735-you meet up at [the restaurant]_{2738-the restaurant} , Going in Blind , where [you]_2735-you share a meal together and see if [you]_2735-you ’re a match . Like a blind date . ”_[90-huxley] “ That ’s pretty neat , ”_[90-huxley] [Huxley]_90-huxley says . “ [I]_89-kelsey love it , ”_[89-kelsey] [Lottie]_89-kelsey adds . “ God , [I]_89-kelsey should ’ve thought of that when [I]_89-kelsey was trolling for [a rich husband]_{334-a rich husband} . ”_[89-kelsey] [Huxley]_90-huxley ’s arm tightens around [Lottie]_89-kelsey as [he]_420-he says , “ [I]_420-he think [you]_89-kelsey did pretty good for [yourself]_89-kelsey . ”_[420-he] [Lottie]_89-kelsey cups [his]_420-he cheek and pulls [him]_420-he in for a kiss . “ [I]_89-kelsey did decent , though [you]_420-he can be quite grumpy . ”_[89-kelsey] [I]_0-i watch [Huxley]_90-huxley ’s hand curl around [[my]_0-i sister]_{414-my sister} possessively as [he]_420-he whispers something into [her]_{414-my sister} ear . Ugh , great , [you]_{414-my sister} ’re in love . [WE]_422-we ALL CAN SEE THAT ! [I]_0-i lean back in [my]_0-i chair and drain [my]_0-i wineglass , while [they]_423-they do some sort of secret whispering thing to each other which , frankly , [I]_0-i have no desire to be a part of . Not that [they]_423-they want [me]_0-i to be a part of it either . What [I]_0-i would like is to be a part of a relationship like [theirs]_423-they where [you]_424-you ’re so infatuated with [each other]_{333-each other} that [you]_424-you completely forget the world around [you]_424-you and get lost in [each other]_{333-each other} ’s eyes . [I]_0-i want to be worshipped . [I]_0-i want to be important in [someone]_364-someone ’s life . [I]_0-i want to be [the person someone calls]_{428-the person someone calls} when [they]_364-someone need advice or have big news . . . or just want to hear [my]_0-i voice . [I]_0-i want to be surprised with flowers at [[my]_0-i apartment]_{401-my apartment} door . Whisked away to [somewhere [I]_0-i ’ve never been]_{430-somewhere i ’ve never been} . Thought of nearly every second of every day because [I]_0-i consume [someone]_364-someone ’s thoughts . [I]_0-i want the real . The ugly . The pettiness that comes with relationships . The teasing . The arguments . The laughs . The love . The romance . [I]_0-i want it all . And sitting here , watching [[my]_0-i sister]_{414-my sister} experience exactly that , yes , it makes [me]_0-i jealous , but it also makes [me]_0-i realize that if [I]_0-i want all those things , [I]_0-i ’m going to have to make them happen [myself]_0-i . [I]_0-i ca n’t sit back and wait . If [I]_0-i want love , [I]_0-i need to go find it .

* * *

“ Oh God , [I]_0-i feel like throwing up , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say as [I]_0-i shake [my]_0-i hands at [my]_0-i side . “ Why did [I]_0-i think this was a good idea ? ”_[0-i] “ Because [you]_0-i want to be in a relationship , ”_[89-kelsey] [Lottie]_89-kelsey says calmly from where [she]_89-kelsey sits cross - legged on [my]_0-i bed . “ [I]_89-kelsey do . ”_[89-kelsey] [I]_0-i nod as [I]_0-i stare at [myself]_0-i in [my]_0-i full - length mirror , examining the purple , strapless dress [I]_0-i chose for [my]_0-i date tonight . “ [I]_0-i really want to be in a relationship . ”_[0-i] “ And [you]_0-i [yourself]_0-i said [this guy]_{2740-this guy} sounds nice . Likes dogs , has [his]_{2740-this guy} own business — something [you]_0-i have in common — and has a secret desire to be in [a boy band]_{2741-a boy band} , which is charming . ”_[0-i] “ It is . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i nod again , still staring at [myself]_0-i . “ [The boy band thing]_{2742-the boy band thing} really got [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ And what was [his]_{2740-this guy} favorite quote again ? ”_[0-i] “ ‘ Buzz , [[your]_{2740-this guy} girlfriend]_{2743-your girlfriend} ! Woof ! ’ ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , chuckling as [I]_0-i turn to the side , checking out [my]_0-i back . [Lottie]_89-kelsey chuckles too . “ See , [he]_{2740-this guy} seems like a good time as well . ”_[89-kelsey] Now [I]_0-i turn toward [Lottie]_89-kelsey and ask , “ What if [he]_{2740-this guy} ’s [the one]_{2744-the one} ? ”_[0-i] “ Okay , [you]_0-i ca n’t go into this thinking like that . [You]_0-i need to be calm , composed , and just have fun . [You]_0-i ca n’t go all crazy romantic on [him]_{2740-this guy} and ask [him]_{2740-this guy} to have [your]_0-i babies fifteen minutes into the date . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i give [her]_89-kelsey a glaring look . “ [I]_0-i would never do that . ”_[0-i] “ Just checking , because earlier [you]_0-i asked [me]_0-i if purple accented [your]_0-i elbow pit veins too much . Who asks that ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i flash [my]_0-i arms at [Lottie]_89-kelsey and say , “ [Mom]_101-mom gave [me]_0-i these veins , and they are far too prominent . [I]_0-i do n’t need the purple of this dress making them even more prominent . ”_[0-i] “ With the way that dress makes [your]_0-i boobs look , [I]_0-i ’m pretty sure the last thing [he]_{2740-this guy} ’s going to be looking at is [your]_0-i inner elbow veins . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i clutch [my]_0-i chest . “ Oh [my]_0-i God , do [I]_0-i look like [I]_0-i ’m trying too hard ? ”_[0-i] “ Noooo , ”_[89-kelsey] [Lottie]_89-kelsey moans . “ [You]_0-i look perfect . Now , if [you]_0-i do n’t leave soon , [you]_0-i ’re going to be late and [I]_89-kelsey know what [you]_0-i hate most in life is being late . ”_[89-kelsey] “ That ’s true . Being late just means [you]_0-i ’re either a ‘ time bender’—that ’s a real thing — or [you]_0-i do n’t care about [other people]_{320-other people} ’s time . And time is the one thing in life [you]_0-i ca n’t get back . ”_[89-kelsey] “ Yes , [I]_89-kelsey know . ”_[89-kelsey] [Lottie]_89-kelsey stands from the bed and ushers [me]_0-i toward the door , but before [she]_89-kelsey can push [me]_0-i out , [I]_0-i turn toward [her]_89-kelsey and grip [her]_89-kelsey arms . “ What if this is it , if [he]_2746-he ’s [the one]_{2744-the one} ? [I]_0-i ’m going to start sweating when [I]_0-i see [him]_2746-he . [I]_0-i wo n’t be able to act cool . What if this is [my]_0-i one and only chance at love ? ”_[0-i] “ This is not [your]_0-i one and only chance . This is a blind date with [a guy that some computer algorithm]_{2748-a guy that some computer algorithm} thought would be a good fit for [you]_0-i . ”_[89-kelsey] “ A proven algorithm . The success rate is as high as ninety percent . Do [you]_0-i know what kind of pressure that puts on [me]_0-i ? ”_[0-i] “ [You]_0-i ’re overthinking this . It ’s supposed to be fun . ”_[0-i] “ Nothing about dating is fun . [You]_0-i lucked out with [Huxley]_90-huxley . Maybe [I]_89-kelsey should walk [a rich neighborhood]_{2749-a rich neighborhood} , looking for [a husband]_{2750-a husband} . ”_[89-kelsey] “ Or [you]_0-i could just go out with [JP]_87-jp . . . ”_[0-i] That calms [my]_0-i nerves right away and [I]_0-i put distance between [myself]_0-i and [[my]_0-i sister]_{414-my sister} . “ By now [you]_0-i should know [I]_89-kelsey have zero interest in [him]_87-jp . [I]_89-kelsey ’d have better luck dating a houseplant than [JP Cane]_87-jp . [Now”—I]_{102-now”—i[89-kelsey]} straighten out [my]_0-i dress—“if [you]_0-i will excuse [me]_89-kelsey , [I]_89-kelsey have a blind date to go on . ”_[89-kelsey] “ One mention of [JP]_87-jp and [you]_89-kelsey ’re all fixed and ready to go ? ”_[89-kelsey] “ Yes . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pick up [my]_0-i purse and sling it over [my]_0-i shoulder . “ Because if there ’s one thing [I]_0-i know for sure , it ’s that any date is better than a date with [him]_87-jp . ”_[0-i]

Chapter Two

[JP]_87-jp

“ [I]_0-i truly , truly hate [you]_97-breaker , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say into the phone as [I]_0-i stand outside [the restaurant]_{2738-the restaurant} . “ Do [you]_97-breaker hate [me]_0-i or do [you]_97-breaker hate [yourself]_97-breaker ? ”_[0-i] [Breaker]_97-breaker asks . “ Because [you]_97-breaker ’re [the one who lost the bet]_{2751-the one who lost the bet} . ”_[97-breaker] “ [My]_87-jp shoe was untied , [I]_87-jp called a time - out , [you]_97-breaker did n’t listen , [you]_97-breaker scored the winning basket , and basically . . . [you]_97-breaker cheated . ”_[87-jp] “ Jesus , ”_[97-breaker] [Breaker]_97-breaker huffs . “ What a load of crap and [you]_97-breaker know it . [You]_97-breaker did n’t call a time - out until [I]_97-breaker juked [you]_97-breaker , [you]_97-breaker lunged , and [I]_97-breaker blew past [you]_97-breaker . [I]_97-breaker beat [you]_97-breaker fair and square . ”_[97-breaker] Hand in one pocket , [I]_0-i toe [the sidewalk]_{338-the sidewalk} and say , “ Well , [we]_2752-we needed a replay . ”_[0-i] “ Why do n’t [you]_97-breaker act like [a man]_{2703-a man} , own up to [your]_97-breaker loss , and take the consequences without complaining ? ”_[87-jp] “ Because [I]_0-i do n’t want to do this . ”_[0-i] “ Then [you]_97-breaker never should ’ve placed the bet . ”_[0-i] “ Yeah , well . . . [I]_97-breaker did n’t think [I]_97-breaker was going to lose . ”_[97-breaker] [He]_97-breaker laughs into the phone . “ Not [my]_97-breaker problem . ”_[97-breaker] “ Fuck . . . fine . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i push [my]_0-i hand through [my]_0-i hair . “ But this is fucking stupid . ”_[0-i] “ Let [me]_97-breaker ask [you]_97-breaker this — are [you]_97-breaker mad because [you]_97-breaker lost , or are [you]_97-breaker mad because [you]_97-breaker ’re going on a date that is n’t with the apple of [your]_97-breaker eye ? ”_[97-breaker] “ There ’s no apple of [my]_97-breaker eye . ”_[97-breaker] [Breaker]_97-breaker snorts . “ [Dude]_2754-dude , [you]_2754-dude ’re not fooling [anyone]_377-anyone . [You]_2754-dude ’re infatuated with [Kelsey]_89-kelsey and it bothers [you]_2754-dude that [she]_89-kelsey wants nothing to do with [you]_2754-dude . ”_[97-breaker] “ [Kelsey]_89-kelsey ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i guffaw so loudly that [I]_0-i draw the attention of [a man walking into [the restaurant]_{2738-the restaurant}]_{436-a man walking into the restaurant} . [I]_0-i give [him]_{436-a man walking into the restaurant} a nod and then turn around for some privacy . “ [Kelsey]_89-kelsey is [a pill]_{2756-a pill} . [She]_89-kelsey ’s uptight , annoying , and does n’t know a good thing when it ’s standing right in front of [her]_89-kelsey . ”_[0-i] “ Meaning [you]_0-i , ”_[97-breaker] [Breaker]_97-breaker says , [his]_97-breaker voice full of humor . “ Uh , yeah , clearly . Why would [I]_97-breaker want to go on a date with someone who thinks more highly of a piece of gum stuck on [her]_89-kelsey shoe than [me]_97-breaker ? ”_[97-breaker] “ Hmm , maybe [I]_97-breaker should ask [Kelsey]_89-kelsey out . [We]_2757-we seem to have a lot in common . ”_[97-breaker] “ Fuck . . . off , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i groan as [I]_0-i turn toward [the restaurant]_{2738-the restaurant} . [He]_97-breaker better not ask [Kelsey]_89-kelsey out . If [she]_89-kelsey does n’t want [me]_0-i — and [I]_0-i ’m extremely likable — then [she]_89-kelsey would n’t want [Breaker]_97-breaker . [Kelsey]_89-kelsey is blind and highhanded . And [I]_0-i wish [I]_0-i did n’t fantasize about [her]_89-kelsey . Frequently . “ This was really stupid . [I]_0-i know nothing about [this girl]_{2758-this girl} . ”_[0-i] “ Not true . [You]_0-i know that [she]_89-kelsey lives [here]_2716-here , that [she]_89-kelsey owns [[her]_89-kelsey own business]_{2760-her own business} , and that [she]_89-kelsey believes roses are the most romantic flower in [the world]_{2761-the world} . ”_[89-kelsey] “ Yeah , exactly . Why this fucking computer thought [we]_2762-we ’d be a match , [I]_89-kelsey have no idea . It probably saw [business owner]_{2763-business owner} on [our]_2762-we profiles and was like , done . Easy . Match made in [heaven]_2764-heaven . [This place]_{2765-this place} is over - hyped and ridiculous . ”_[89-kelsey] “ It ’s not like [you]_0-i have to stay that long . Just go have a drink and then — ”_[0-i] “ That ’s not how this process works . [You]_0-i have to stay and have a meal with [the person]_{2737-the person} . It ’s the godforsaken program . ”_[97-breaker] [Breaker]_97-breaker snorts . “ Oh shit , really ? ”_[97-breaker] “ Yes , really . Something about how [they]_{2737-the person} want [you]_0-i to get to know [the person]_{2737-the person} before making a snap judgment and moving on to the next date . ”_[0-i] “ Makes sense . ”_[0-i] “ Yeah , for [someone who does n’t have to go on the date]_{2768-someone who does n’t have to go on the date} . ”_[97-breaker] “ [Dude]_2754-dude , stop bitching and just go in there . Jesus , are n’t [you]_97-breaker late ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i glance down at [my]_0-i watch . Shit , six minutes late . [I]_0-i sigh heavily and say , “ [I]_0-i hate [you]_97-breaker . ”_[0-i] “ Ca n’t wait to hear all about the date . Have fun , [bro]_2770-bro . ”_[0-i] “ Fuck off . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i hang up as [his]_97-breaker laughter booms through the phone . Now , if [I]_0-i were [a true asshole]_{439-a true asshole} , someone who did n’t keep [their]_440-their word , [I]_0-i ’d go right past [this restaurant]_{441-this restaurant} , hang out at [a bar]_{442-a bar} , and catch the latest Rebels game . But even though that sounds incredibly appealing , [I]_0-i ’m not [that guy]_{378-that guy} . [I]_0-i ca n’t stand [someone]_364-someone up . [I]_0-i would feel way too damn guilty . So , [I]_0-i stuff [my]_0-i phone in [my]_0-i pocket and wish this night could be over before it begins . Going in Blind , what a stupid - as - shit concept . Letting [a computer]_{445-a computer} match [you]_446-you with [someone]_364-someone without even seeing what [the person]_{2737-the person} looks like . . . seems like reckless behavior if [you]_446-you ask [me]_0-i . Irresponsible , actually . And holding [them]_{2737-the person} hostage until the meal is over ? Well , guess who ’s about to annihilate a meal to get the hell out of here ? [Me]_0-i . [I]_0-i open the door to [the restaurant]_{2738-the restaurant} and am greeted by [a more - than - jubilant hostess]_{450-a more - than - jubilant hostess} and an entirely too romantic atmosphere . Strings of large bulb lights are draped throughout [the space]_{451-the space} and there ’s a plethora of hanging plants , the vines dangling just above the tables . The walls are floor - to - ceiling exposed white brick , the intimate tables all have that urban , metal feel , and the wood beams that run parallel with the ceiling soften the design . Sure . . . [the place]_{452-the place} is nice . [I]_0-i ’ll give [it]_{452-the place} that . But the rest of this concept is stupid . “ Good evening , [sir]_2771-sir , ”_{[453-the ebullient hostess]} [the ebullient hostess]_{453-the ebullient hostess} says . “ [You]_2771-sir must be [JP]_87-jp . ”_{[453-the ebullient hostess]} Of course [they]_{2737-the person} know who [I]_0-i am . [I]_0-i ’m sure [they]_{2737-the person} have pictures of [every person who has been roped into a date here]_{454-every person who has been roped into a date here} . Tacking on a smile , [I]_0-i nod . “ That would be [me]_0-i . ”_[0-i] “ Wonderful . Well , [[your]_2771-sir date]_{2772-your date} is at [the bar]_{2773-the bar} . Shall [I]_0-i introduce [you]_2771-sir , or would [you]_2771-sir like to introduce [yourself]_2771-sir ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i glance over at [the bar]_{2773-the bar} and see [a woman in a purple dress sitting alone]_{456-a woman in a purple dress sitting alone} . [I]_0-i take in [her]_{456-a woman in a purple dress sitting alone} long , brown hair that ’s loosely curled and draped over [her]_{456-a woman in a purple dress sitting alone} bare shoulders . Hmm . . . Maybe this whole thing is n’t entirely stupid . “ [I]_459-i can introduce [myself]_459-i . ”_[459-i] “ Wonderful . Have a nice evening . ”_[459-i] “ Thank [you]_{456-a woman in a purple dress sitting alone} , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say before [I]_0-i make [my]_0-i way through [the restaurant]_{2738-the restaurant} . When [you]_458-you sign up for the program , [they]_459-i make [you]_458-you choose an avatar , a name to represent [you]_458-you but is n’t [your]_458-you real - life name . [I]_0-i went with [ManWearsPants]_{103-manwearspants} , because [I]_0-i was too annoyed to think of anything clever , and [the girl [I]_0-i was matched with]_{460-the girl i was matched with} , well . . . “ Hello , [you]_{460-the girl i was matched with} must be [RosesAreRed]_{104-rosesarered} , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say as a greeting . [She]_{460-the girl i was matched with} sets down [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} half - empty glass and turns around , almost in slow motion . [I]_0-i hold [my]_0-i breath , steeling [myself]_0-i for what [this woman]_{461-this woman} looks like , but when [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} face comes into view , [I]_0-i ’m blown away by [the familiar , dark - haired beauty before [me]_0-i]_{462-the familiar , dark - haired beauty before me} . [Her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} smile is wide , [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} eyes are hopeful , and when [she]_{460-the girl i was matched with} flicks [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} hair over [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} shoulder and looks [me]_0-i in the eyes . . . [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} face falls flat , [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} mouth turning into a thin , angry line . “ What the hell are [you]_0-i doing [here]_2716-here ? ”_{[460-the girl i was matched with]} [she]_{460-the girl i was matched with} asks . Oh man , this is fucking awesome . [Kelsey Gardner]_86-kelsey . What are the odds ? Sticking both [my]_0-i hands in [my]_0-i pockets , [I]_0-i gleefully say , “ [I]_0-i ’m [your]_{460-the girl i was matched with} date for the evening . ”_[0-i] Glancing over [my]_0-i shoulder , [she]_{460-the girl i was matched with} seems to take a second to comprehend what ’s happening and then asks , “ Are [you]_0-i [some sort of stalker who followed [me]_{460-the girl i was matched with} here]_{2775-some sort of stalker who followed me here} ? [JP]_87-jp , this is going way too freaking far . [I]_{460-the girl i was matched with} ’m about to go on a date with [someone]_364-someone . [I]_{460-the girl i was matched with} do n’t want [him]_364-someone thinking [I]_{460-the girl i was matched with} ’m here with [you]_0-i , so if [you]_0-i ’d please leave — ”_{[460-the girl i was matched with]} “ ManWearsPants , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , and [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} eyes narrow . With a quick look around , [she]_{460-the girl i was matched with} wets [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} lips , leans in , and in a tight voice , [she]_{460-the girl i was matched with} asks , “ Why did [you]_0-i just say that ? ”_{[460-the girl i was matched with]} Oh , it ’s too fucking cute watching [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} nose scrunch up in confusion . [I]_0-i was so , so wrong . This evening is going to be so much more fun than [I]_0-i anticipated . “ That ’s [my]_{460-the girl i was matched with} avatar . [ManWearsPants]_{103-manwearspants} , and [you]_0-i , [[my]_{460-the girl i was matched with} irritated shrew]_{2777-my irritated shrew} , are [RosesAreRed]_{104-rosesarered} , and [you]_0-i can deny it all [you]_0-i want , but [this dating program]_{2778-this dating program} thinks [we]_2779-we ’re the perfect match . ”_{[460-the girl i was matched with]} “ Well , clearly it was wrong . ”_{[460-the girl i was matched with]} The shrillness of [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} voice reaches a pitch nearly capable of breaking the bottles of liquor behind [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} . [She]_{460-the girl i was matched with} stands from [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} chair , snatches [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} purse , and attempts to walk past [me]_0-i when [I]_0-i grab [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} hand . “ Excuse [me]_0-i , [Miss Irritable]_{105-miss irritable} , but [I]_0-i believe [we]_2779-we are n’t allowed to leave [the restaurant]_{2738-the restaurant} until [we]_2779-we share a meal together . It ’s in the terms and conditions . ”_[0-i] [Her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} eyes flash to [mine]_0-i . “ [You]_0-i ca n’t be serious . ”_{[460-the girl i was matched with]} “ Oh , [I]_0-i ’m very serious . [I]_0-i believe it ’s section three , line five where it states the definitive guidelines , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say . “ [I]_0-i signed up for this dating app , and [I]_0-i expect to get the full experience . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i flash [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} a grin that [I]_0-i know irritates [her]_{460-the girl i was matched with} more than anything . “ Everything okay here ? ”_{[463-the hostess]} [the hostess]_{463-the hostess} asks , coming up to [us]_464-we . “ Everything is great , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i answer . “ No , everything is not great , ”_[86-kelsey] [Kelsey]_86-kelsey says . “ There must have been some mistake with the algorithm and the matching , because [I]_86-kelsey know [this man]_{2781-this man} , and let [me]_86-kelsey tell [you]_{463-the hostess} , [I]_86-kelsey can say with full confidence that [we]_464-we ’re not a match . ”_[86-kelsey] “ Oh , how interesting . [I]_{463-the hostess} do n’t think [we]_464-we ’ve ever had this happen before . ”_{[463-the hostess]} “ Ah , wonderful . So [you]_{463-the hostess} can imagine how [we]_464-we ’d just like to move on from this ill - fated inconvenience and go on [our]_464-we way . ”_{[463-the hostess]} [The hostess]_{463-the hostess} shakes [her]_{463-the hostess} head . [I]_0-i can practically hear the agonized , inner howling from [Kelsey]_86-kelsey , as if this is [her]_86-kelsey own personal doomsday . “ [I]_{463-the hostess} ’m so sorry , but unfortunately , [you]_{463-the hostess} have to stay and enjoy a meal together . It ’s part of the terms . ”_{[463-the hostess]} “ But [I]_86-kelsey said [I]_86-kelsey know [him]_2782-him . ”_[86-kelsey] [Kelsey]_86-kelsey frantically jabs [her]_86-kelsey hand in [my]_0-i direction . Point all [you]_0-i want , [lady]_466-lady , not going to help . “ And [I]_86-kelsey do n’t like [him]_2782-him . [I]_86-kelsey do n’t need to have a meal with [him]_2782-him to figure that out . ”_[86-kelsey] “ [You]_86-kelsey wound [me]_0-i , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i whisper playfully in [her]_86-kelsey ear . [She]_86-kelsey swats [me]_0-i away with an unexpected flick of [her]_86-kelsey wrist . Whoa , almost got a fingernail to the eyeball . “ Do [you]_0-i see what [I]_86-kelsey ’m dealing with ? Trust [me]_86-kelsey , [you]_0-i do n’t want [us]_2783-us sharing a meal together , it ’ll distract [the other people around [us]_2783-us]_{2784-the other people around us} . All [we]_2783-us do is bicker . ”_[86-kelsey] “ Then [we]_2783-us ’ll give [you]_0-i one of [our]_2783-us new private tables in [the loft area]_{2785-the loft area} . ”_{[463-the hostess]} [The hostess]_{463-the hostess} smirks and then nods toward the stairs to the right . “ Right this way . ”_{[463-the hostess]} “ [You]_0-i ca n’t be serious , ”_[86-kelsey] [Kelsey]_86-kelsey says . “ Looks like [she]_86-kelsey is serious , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , pressing [my]_0-i hand to [her]_86-kelsey lower back and guiding [her]_86-kelsey forward . “ [You]_0-i ’re really going to make [me]_0-i have dinner with [him]_2786-him ? ”_[0-i] [The hostess]_{463-the hostess} does n’t answer , [she]_{463-the hostess} just keeps walking , and [I]_0-i keep pushing [Kelsey]_86-kelsey forward , a smile on [my]_0-i face the entire time . [Here]_2716-here [I]_0-i thought the night was going to be a complete bust , but it ’s turned into a night in which [I]_0-i ’m very interested in taking part . “ This is ridiculous . [I]_470-we should n’t be held against [my]_470-we will . ”_[470-we] [We]_470-we walk up [the stairs]_{471-the stairs} . “ This program is a load of crock if [you]_{463-the hostess} think [I]_470-we should be matched with [JP]_87-jp . Did [you]_{463-the hostess} even do a background check ? ”_[470-we] [We]_470-we reach [the loft]_{472-the loft} , [a private space draped in white linen curtains and twinkle lights]_{473-a private space draped in white linen curtains and twinkle lights} . There ’s one table in the middle , surrounded by an ambiance suited only for [intimate lovers]_{474-intimate lovers} , [two people tangling in [each other]_{333-each other} ’s lives with romantic interludes , long , drawn - out stories of childhood , and far - off fantasies of what [their]_477-their future might look like together]_{475-two people tangling in each other ’s lives with romantic interludes , long , drawn - out stories of childhood , and far - off fantasies of what their future might look like together} . And then there ’s [me]_0-i and [Kelsey]_86-kelsey , the angry porcupine , rearing up [her]_86-kelsey quills and ready to impale [me]_0-i at [her]_86-kelsey first chance . [This sensual room]_{478-this sensual room} dripping in fairy - tale potential is about to get a show . “ There ’s nothing romantic between [us]_470-we , nothing at all . Why is this happening ? ”_[86-kelsey] [she]_86-kelsey drones on . [The hostess]_{463-the hostess} holds out a basket with a sign that so eloquently reads “ Unplug and be present ”_[86-kelsey] and shakes it at [us]_470-we , clearly and wordlessly stating [we]_470-we must deposit [our]_470-we lifelines within . [I]_0-i plop [my]_0-i phone in because , if anything , [I]_0-i ’m an excellent rule follower . Panic sweeps through [Kelsey]_86-kelsey ’s eyes as [she]_86-kelsey stares down at the basket . “ What if [I]_86-kelsey have an important phone call that comes in ? What if [I]_86-kelsey need [[my]_86-kelsey sister]_{414-my sister} to fake a broken ankle so [I]_86-kelsey can leave ? ”_[86-kelsey] At least [she]_86-kelsey ’s honest , but it does nothing to dissuade [the hostess]_{463-the hostess} , and with a feral groan only heard through the depths of a dark , dank night , [Kelsey]_86-kelsey puts [her]_86-kelsey phone in the basket with [mine]_0-i . Next , [we]_470-we ’re shown to [our]_470-we table , parallel to a quaint stone fireplace offering an orange glow for a very romantic evening . . . with [the priggish she - wolf]_{481-the priggish she - wolf} . “ [[Your]_0-i server]_{2788-your server} ’s name is [Helix]_106-helix . [He]_{2788-your server} ’ll be joining [you]_0-i shortly . Please let [us]_470-we know if [you]_0-i need anything , ”_{[463-the hostess]} [the hostess]_{463-the hostess} says before pulling out both chairs for [us]_470-we . “ Yes , [I]_86-kelsey need to get out of this date . How can [you]_{463-the hostess} assist [me]_86-kelsey in that ? ”_[86-kelsey] [Kelsey]_86-kelsey asks . “ [I]_86-kelsey ’m sure [you]_470-we two will have a beautiful evening together . Enjoy . ”_[86-kelsey] And then [she]_86-kelsey leaves , taking off [downstairs]_{483-downstairs} and leaving [me]_0-i completely alone in what some might refer to as [a dreamy loft]_{484-a dreamy loft} with [Kelsey]_86-kelsey . [A fuming , nostrils - flared Kelsey]_{485-a fuming , nostrils - flared kelsey} . [A Kelsey who would most likely prefer to share [this space]_{487-this space} with [anyone]_377-anyone]_{486-a kelsey who would most likely prefer to share this space with anyone} — and [I]_0-i mean [anyone]_377-anyone — but [me]_0-i . [She]_86-kelsey raises [her]_86-kelsey hand and points at [me]_0-i , [her]_86-kelsey finger shaking as [she]_86-kelsey speaks through clenched teeth . “ [You]_0-i did this . [You]_0-i planned this whole thing , did n’t [you]_0-i ? ”_[86-kelsey] “ What ? [You]_0-i ’ve lost [your]_0-i mind if [you]_0-i think [I]_86-kelsey have time in [my]_86-kelsey day to figure out what kind of cheesy dating app [you]_0-i ’re on , infiltrate the app , and then somehow compromise the system so [you]_0-i and [I]_86-kelsey are forced to have a date together . ”_[86-kelsey] “ [I]_86-kelsey knew it . ”_[86-kelsey] [She]_86-kelsey throws [her]_86-kelsey hands in the air . “ God , and [you]_0-i play [the fool]_{2789-the fool} so well , when in reality , [you]_0-i ’re a conniving birdbrain with nothing better to do than provoke [people]_2736-people in [your]_0-i path . ”_[86-kelsey] [I]_0-i take a seat at the table , pick up the napkin in front of [me]_0-i , and rest it across [my]_0-i lap . “ Firstly , [I]_0-i said [I]_0-i did n’t have time to do all that . Secondly , conniving birdbrain is an insult [I]_0-i ’m going to have to store away for later . It ’s a good one . ”_[0-i] “ Eww , do n’t try to be charming with [me]_86-kelsey . ”_[86-kelsey] [She]_86-kelsey takes a seat as well , albeit reluctantly , and folds [her]_86-kelsey napkin over [her]_86-kelsey lap too . [She]_86-kelsey drums [her]_86-kelsey fingers on the table and takes in the lights around [us]_490-us . “ What [a wasted room]_{2791-a wasted room} . ”_[86-kelsey] See , [I]_0-i knew [she]_86-kelsey ’d think that . Do [I]_0-i know [this girl]_{2758-this girl} or what ? [I]_0-i lean forward and say , “ [You]_86-kelsey know , [you]_86-kelsey could try to make the most of this and attempt to be pleasant . ”_[0-i] [Her]_86-kelsey eyes shoot to [mine]_0-i . “ Why , [JP]_87-jp ? [I]_107-touché thought [men]_2682-men and [women who work with each other]_{2793-women who work with each other} ca n’t be [friends]_2684-friends . ”_{[107-touché]} [Touché]_107-touché . “ Not saying [we]_490-us have to be [friends]_2684-friends , but [you]_87-jp could at least not act like [an uninspiring wench]_{2796-an uninspiring wench} . ”_{[107-touché]} “ Do [you]_87-jp expect [me]_106-helix to have a conversation with [you]_87-jp ? ”_[106-helix] “ That ’s what [normal people]_{2797-normal people} usually do when [they]_{2797-normal people} share a meal together . Unless there ’s a new trend [I]_107-touché ’m unaware of . ”_{[107-touché]} Just then , [Helix]_106-helix comes up the stairs with glasses of water balanced precariously on [his]_106-helix tray . After [he]_106-helix sets them on the table , [he]_106-helix stuffs [his]_106-helix tray under [his]_106-helix arm and says , “ Good evening . [[Our]_2798-we hostess]_{2799-our hostess} has informed [me]_106-helix that [we]_2798-we have a happy love nest up here . ”_[106-helix] The deadpan look on [Kelsey]_86-kelsey ’s face almost makes [me]_0-i fall out of [my]_0-i chair in laughter , but [I]_0-i hold it together in fear of what would happen to [me]_0-i if [I]_0-i did laugh . After all , there are two knives on this table . “ [We]_2798-we ’re in a bit of a rush , so if [you]_86-kelsey do n’t mind , [we]_2798-we ’d like to order , eat , and then get the hell out of here . ”_[106-helix] “ Jesus , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i whisper . “ Do n’t be rude to [the guy]_{2800-the guy} . ”_[0-i] [Kelsey]_86-kelsey lets out a slow breath and then plasters on a smile . “ [I]_106-helix ’m sorry . [Helix]_106-helix , is it ? ”_[106-helix] [Helix]_106-helix nods . “ [You]_0-i see , when [I]_106-helix signed up for this app , [I]_106-helix was under the impression that [I]_106-helix ’d be set up with someone [I]_106-helix might actually be interested in . [I]_106-helix had all the hope of meeting [someone interesting]_{2801-someone interesting} , [someone complex]_{2802-someone complex} , [someone fun]_{2803-someone fun} . [I]_106-helix was truly planning on making a deep connection tonight . ”_[106-helix] [Her]_86-kelsey eyes snap to [mine]_0-i . “ And when [I]_86-kelsey say deep connection , [I]_86-kelsey mean mentally . . . not physically . ”_[86-kelsey] [I]_0-i just grin . “ But [you]_0-i see , [Helix]_106-helix , instead of meeting someone who could have the potential to sweep [me]_0-i off [my]_0-i feet , [I]_0-i was matched with [this insolent , vexatious human who thinks more highly of the hangnail on [his]_{2804-this insolent , vexatious human who thinks more highly of the hangnail on his finger than the people around him} finger than the people around [him]_{2804-this insolent , vexatious human who thinks more highly of the hangnail on his finger than the people around him}]_{2804-this insolent , vexatious human who thinks more highly of the hangnail on his finger than the people around him} . Unfortunately , [I]_0-i work with [him]_{2804-this insolent , vexatious human who thinks more highly of the hangnail on his finger than the people around him} and [I]_0-i know enough about [him]_{2804-this insolent , vexatious human who thinks more highly of the hangnail on his finger than the people around him} to understand that there ’s nothing — and [I]_0-i mean absolutely nothing — [we]_2805-we have in common . Therefore — ”_[0-i] “ That ’s not what the readout on [your]_86-kelsey profiles says . ”_[106-helix] [Helix]_106-helix clutches the tray tightly . [Kelsey]_86-kelsey blinks . “ Excuse [me]_86-kelsey ? ”_[86-kelsey] “ [I]_0-i heard there might be some trouble up here in [paradise]_{2806-paradise} , and sometimes , when that happens , [we]_2805-we print out the reason the computer connected [you]_86-kelsey both . Would [you]_86-kelsey like [me]_0-i to read it to [you]_86-kelsey ? ”_[0-i] “ No , ”_[86-kelsey] [Kelsey]_86-kelsey says . “ Yes , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say at the same time . “ [I]_0-i would love nothing more than to hear why [Kelsey]_86-kelsey and [I]_0-i are suited for each other . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i cross [my]_0-i ankle over [my]_0-i knee as [I]_0-i scoot back [my]_0-i chair and prepare [myself]_0-i for what [I]_0-i can only imagine will be an absolutely enlightening experience for [me]_0-i and a horrific experience for [Kelsey]_86-kelsey . From [his]_492-his pocket , [Helix]_106-helix pulls out a piece of paper and clears [his]_492-his throat . “ [You]_0-i were one of [our]_2807-our highest matches in the system with a ninety - seven percent probable success rate . ”_[492-his] HA ! Steam flies out of [Kelsey]_86-kelsey ’s ears as [my]_0-i grin just keeps growing wider and wider . “ [RosesAreRed]_{104-rosesarered} and [ManWearsPants]_{103-manwearspants} . ”_[106-helix] [Helix]_106-helix turns to [me]_0-i . “ Great name , by the way . ”_[106-helix] [I]_0-i nod at [him]_106-helix . “ Thank [you]_106-helix . ”_[0-i] “ Oh [my]_86-kelsey God , ”_[86-kelsey] [Kelsey]_86-kelsey groans . “ There ’s absolutely no imagination to that name . ”_[86-kelsey] “ As if [RosesAreRed]_{104-rosesarered} is a poetic masterpiece , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i reply . “ Might as well have called [yourself]_0-i PointsOutTheObvious . ”_[0-i] [Kelsey]_86-kelsey juts [her]_86-kelsey hand at [me]_0-i and looks at [Helix]_106-helix . “ See what [I]_106-helix ’m talking about ? Insufferable . ”_[106-helix] Looking slightly weary , [Helix]_106-helix takes a step back and continues reading . “ [RosesAreRed]_{104-rosesarered} and [ManWearsPants]_{2808-manwearspants} are [both business owners within [the Los Angeles]_{2810-the los angeles} area]_{2809-both business owners within the los angeles area} . ”_[106-helix] “ Whoa , that ’s a surprise to [no one]_{2811-no one} . ”_[86-kelsey] [Kelsey]_86-kelsey folds [her]_86-kelsey arms over [her]_86-kelsey chest and , honestly , [I]_0-i do n’t think [I]_0-i ’ve ever seen [her]_86-kelsey this upset . One of the things [I]_0-i ’ve always found interesting about [Kelsey]_86-kelsey is [her]_86-kelsey ability to stay composed , even when under an immense amount of pressure . [She]_86-kelsey never shows emotion , but tonight , [I]_0-i ’m experiencing a new side of [her]_86-kelsey . [I]_0-i kind of like it . “ From reviewing [their]_2812-their backgrounds , [we]_493-we ’ve established likeness in [parent]_2813-parent abandonment . ”_[86-kelsey] [Kelsey]_86-kelsey falls silent . “ The desire to achieve , and a direct match in fears such as failure , not being loved , and being alone . ”_[86-kelsey] [Her]_86-kelsey eyes flash to [mine]_0-i as [I]_0-i quickly look away . Okay , what the fuck is that shit ? Sure , [we]_493-we filled out a questionnaire , but what kind of invasive background check was done to figure that out ? “ [It]_2814-it also determined that where [RosesAreRed]_{104-rosesarered} is very structured and amorous in thought , [ManWearsPants]_{103-manwearspants} can be pessimistic with an apathetic attitude , making these two puzzle pieces fit closely together , creating a continuous balance for a healthy relationship . ”_[106-helix] [Helix]_106-helix stuffs [his]_106-helix paper back in [his]_106-helix pocket and then holds up a pen and paper . “ Now , what can [I]_106-helix get [you]_493-we two for dinner ? ”_[106-helix]

Chapter Three

[KELSEY]_86-kelsey

Well , [Helix]_106-helix knows how to shut [two people]_{494-two people} up real quick . After [we]_493-we both put in an order for the meatloaf and mashed potatoes — [I’m]_0-i ignoring the fact that [we]_493-we ordered the same thing , thank [you]_495-you very much — [Helix]_106-helix took off down the stairs , but not before telling [us]_493-we that [the kitchen]_{2687-the kitchen} is short - staffed so the meal might take a bit longer to come out . Just . . . great . Wonder if that ’s intentional so “ dates ”_{[108-bad guy]} have to stay longer . An instrumental cover of [Bad Guy]_{108-bad guy} plays overhead as [JP]_87-jp and [I]_0-i look everywhere but at [each other]_{333-each other} . [Helix]_106-helix brought in the truth bomb and completely obliterated the evening . Even the nonstop annoyance from [JP]_87-jp has shut down as [he]_87-jp twirls [his]_87-jp water glass on the table . The silence is deafening . Uncomfortable . And even though [I]_0-i ca n’t stand sitting across from [him]_87-jp at the moment , [I]_0-i ca n’t handle the silence . It ’s more painful than not talking . “ So . . . do [you]_87-jp often eat meatloaf ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , unsure of what else to say . When [he]_87-jp looks up , [his]_87-jp brow lifts in this Regé - Jean Page sort of way , like a fishhook grabbed it , tugged it up , and left it there . And does it take [me]_0-i straight back to a scene in [Bridgerton]_5-bridgerton that had [me]_0-i melting into [my]_0-i couch ? Of course , but does it ease the protective ice shield that has formed around [me]_0-i because of this unfortunate evening ? Not even a little . “ Are [you]_87-jp attempting conversation with [me]_87-jp ? ”_[87-jp] “ [You]_87-jp ca n’t possibly expect [me]_87-jp to sit here in silence for God knows how long . ”_[87-jp] “ [I]_87-jp do n’t know , watching [you]_87-jp squirm from a lack of conversation seems enjoyable . ”_[87-jp] “ Why are [you]_87-jp [an ass]_{2815-an ass} ? ”_[87-jp] “ Could n’t [you]_87-jp tell from the rundown [Helix]_106-helix just gave [us]_2816-us ? Abandonment issues and false façades are high on that list for defense mechanisms . Does n’t take [a psychologist]_{2817-a psychologist} to figure that out , [babe]_2728-babe , ”_[87-jp] [he]_87-jp says . “ Does n’t give [you]_2728-babe an excuse to act like [an asshole]_{2819-an asshole} . [I]_87-jp grew up without [a dad]_{2820-a dad} and [you]_2728-babe do n’t see [me]_87-jp parading around with an indignant attitude . ”_[87-jp] [He]_87-jp laughs so loud it startles [me]_0-i backward . “ Did [you]_0-i completely forget the ‘ [I]_87-jp hate JP Cane ’ one - person show [you]_0-i just put on for [the restaurant staff]_{2821-the restaurant staff} ? ”_[87-jp] “ Well , pardon [me]_87-jp for being flummoxed when [I]_87-jp found out [you]_0-i were [[my]_87-jp date]_{2822-my date} for the evening . In [my]_87-jp head , [I]_87-jp was picturing this night going a tad differently . ”_[87-jp] “ [I]_0-i see . And how did [you]_0-i picture it going ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i take a sip of [my]_0-i water . “ Not like this . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_0-i said that , and given [we]_2823-we have a long dinner in front of [us]_2823-we , why do n’t [you]_0-i educate [me]_87-jp on how [you]_0-i thought tonight would pan out ? ”_[87-jp] “ [I]_87-jp ’m not sharing that with [you]_0-i . [You]_0-i ’re just going to make fun of [me]_87-jp . ”_[87-jp] “ Why would [I]_0-i do that ? ”_[0-i] “ Because [you]_0-i ’re [an oppressor of hopes and dreams]_{2824-an oppressor of hopes and dreams} . ”_[87-jp] “ How little [you]_0-i know [me]_0-i , [Kelsey]_86-kelsey . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i eye [him]_498-you for a few seconds and then ask , “ So if [I]_0-i tell [you]_498-you what [I]_0-i thought would happen tonight , [you]_498-you ’re not going to make fun of [me]_0-i ? ”_[0-i] “ [You]_0-i know , it might behoove [you]_0-i to get to know [me]_87-jp . Then [you]_0-i might not have such a low opinion of [me]_87-jp . ”_[87-jp] Doubtful . “ Fine , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , chin held high . “ But if [you]_498-you make fun of [me]_0-i , [I]_0-i ’m throwing [my]_0-i water in [your]_498-you face . ”_[0-i] “ That ’s fair . ”_[498-you] [He]_498-you nods at [me]_0-i . “ Go ahead , light [me]_498-you up with [your]_0-i fantasies . ”_[498-you] [God]_92-god , [I]_0-i really despise [him]_498-you . Clearing [my]_0-i throat , [I]_0-i say , “ Well , [I]_0-i signed up for this program because [I]_0-i heard great things about it from [Noely Clark]_{98-noely clark} . ”_[0-i] “ [Noely]_109-noely , one of the hosts from Good Morning , [Malibu]_99-malibu ? ”_[498-you] [he]_498-you asks . “ Yes . [I]_498-you interviewed [her]_109-noely and [[her]_109-noely husband]_{2825-her husband} for [my]_498-you podcast — ”_[498-you] “ [You]_498-you have a podcast ? What ’s it called ? ”_[0-i] Feeling shy , because [I]_0-i know [he]_498-you ’s probably judging [me]_0-i , [I]_0-i say , “ [I]_0-i do , and the name is irrelevant . [I]_0-i would rather [you]_498-you not listen to it . ”_[0-i] “ Afraid [I]_0-i might become [a long - time listener]_{2826-a long - time listener} ? ”_[0-i] “ Are [you]_498-you teasing [me]_0-i ? ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i ask , lifting [my]_0-i water . [He]_498-you holds up [his]_498-you rather large hands . “ No , not teasing . Just engaging in conversation . ”_[498-you] “ Try using less sarcasm in [your]_498-you ‘ engagements . ’ ”_[0-i] “ Noted . ”_[498-you] [He]_498-you gestures with [his]_498-you hand . “ Proceed . ”_[498-you] “ Well , [I]_0-i interviewed [them]_2827-them for [my]_0-i podcast and while [we]_2828-we were n’t recording , [she]_2829-she told [me]_0-i all about Going in Blind . Since [I]_0-i ’m in the market to settle down with [someone]_364-someone . . . ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i pause to assess [his]_498-you expression , and when [he]_498-you does n’t crack a smile , [I]_0-i proceed . “ [I]_0-i thought [I]_0-i ’d give it a try . [I]_0-i heard nothing but good things , so when [I]_0-i was getting ready , [I]_0-i was actually kind of nervous . [I]_0-i assumed [I]_0-i ’d be meeting [someone interesting]_{2801-someone interesting} , someone like - minded , someone [I]_0-i matched well with . [You]_2832-you can only imagine [my]_0-i disappointment when [you]_2832-you turned out to be [ManWearsPants]_{103-manwearspants} . ”_[0-i] [He]_498-you lifts [his]_498-you glass casually and , with [his]_498-you eyes locked in a deep stare on [me]_0-i , takes a sip of water . There ’s something enigmatic but also annoying about [the Cane men]_{499-the cane men} . [They]_{499-the cane men} have excellent self - control , particularly at curbing [their]_{499-the cane men} initial reactions to things . [They]_{499-the cane men} ’re generally subtle with [their]_{499-the cane men} movements , showing great restraint . [I]_0-i ’ve seen it in [Huxley]_90-huxley and now in [JP]_87-jp . “ Disappointment , indeed , ”_[498-you] [he]_498-you says . “ [I]_498-you ’m sorry if [I]_498-you ’ve ruined [your]_0-i evening . ”_[498-you] “ Ugh , do n’t do that . ”_{[499-the cane men]} “ Do n’t do what ? ”_[498-you] [he]_498-you asks , remaining stoic . “ Play the bruised ego card . [You]_2832-you and [I]_498-you both know there ’s nothing about this scenario that hurts [your]_2832-you feelings . [You]_2832-you ’re thriving off the fact that [we]_2833-we were matched merely because it ’s ruined [my]_498-you evening and hopes for a possible match . ”_[498-you] “ [I]_498-you do n’t thrive off that , ”_[498-you] [he]_498-you says . “ [I]_498-you find it somewhat comical , sure , but [I]_498-you do kind of feel bad for [you]_498-you . ”_[498-you] “ [I]_498-you do n’t need [you]_498-you feeling bad for [me]_498-you . Save [your]_498-you pity for [someone else]_{2834-someone else} . ”_[498-you] “ [I]_498-you do n’t pity [you]_498-you . There ’s a difference . If [I]_498-you pitied [you]_498-you , then that would mean [I]_498-you have a low opinion of [you]_498-you , and that ’s not the case . [I]_498-you just feel bad that [you]_498-you consider [your]_498-you evening ruined by [my]_498-you presence . ”_[498-you] “ Why do [you]_498-you have to say it like that ? Like [you]_498-you ’re [the victim]_{2835-the victim} . ”_[498-you] “ Trust [me]_500-his , [babe]_2728-babe , [I]_500-his ’m never [the victim]_{2835-the victim} . ”_[500-his] [He]_500-his shifts in [his]_500-his chair , and [I]_0-i can tell [the easygoing , teasing JP]_{501-the easygoing , teasing jp} is gone — especially since [Helix]_106-helix laid out [our]_502-our backgrounds for [each other]_{333-each other} — and in [his]_500-his place is [a guarded man]_{504-a guarded man} , one [I]_0-i have n’t seen before . “ [I]_0-i was just expecting something else , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i say , folding [my]_0-i hands in [my]_0-i lap . “ [I]_0-i was excited to meet [someone new]_{2838-someone new} . ”_[0-i] Once again , [JP]_87-jp studies [me]_0-i , intent , [his]_87-jp eyes blazing over [me]_0-i , practically eating [me]_0-i alive as they roam from [my]_0-i eyes to [my]_0-i mouth , to [my]_0-i chest . . . Finally , [he]_87-jp says , “ [I]_87-jp ’m here because of a bet . ”_[87-jp] [My]_0-i gaze flashes to [his]_87-jp . “ What ? ”_[87-jp] [He]_87-jp holds up [his]_87-jp hand to calm [my]_0-i simmering rage . “ Before [you]_0-i think [I]_87-jp intentionally came here to ruin [your]_0-i night , that ’s not the case . The fact that [we]_2839-we ’re here together , sharing a meal , is pure coincidence . But the reason [I]_87-jp signed up for this program is because [I]_87-jp lost a bet to [Breaker]_97-breaker . ”_[87-jp] “ What kind of bet ? ”_[87-jp] “ [We]_2839-we were playing one - on - one basketball . [Our]_2839-we egos got the best of [us]_2839-we and [we]_2839-we decided whoever lost had to follow through on whatever [the other person]_{2840-the other person} chose . It was a tied game . [I]_87-jp was ready to force [Breaker]_97-breaker to go to some baking class [I]_87-jp knew [he]_97-breaker ’d absolutely hate , and [he]_97-breaker apparently had plans for [me]_87-jp to do this . [I]_87-jp lost , [he]_97-breaker told [me]_87-jp what [I]_87-jp had to do , and here [I]_87-jp am . ”_[87-jp] “ So , [you]_87-jp ’re here because [you]_87-jp lost a bet ? ”_[87-jp] “ Yes . ”_[87-jp] “ What if [your]_87-jp date was n’t [me]_87-jp ? What would [you]_87-jp have done then ? ”_[87-jp] “ Attempted to enjoy the evening . Not sure where [your]_87-jp disdainful opinion of [me]_0-i started , but [I]_0-i ’m [a pretty good guy]_{2841-a pretty good guy} . Sure , the thought of not following through on the date tonight did cross [my]_0-i mind , but [I]_0-i knew [I]_0-i could n’t do that . So , [my]_0-i plan was to try to strike up conversation , enjoy a meal , then end the night with a wave . [I]_0-i planned to spend the rest of the evening in [my]_0-i pool , naked on a raft , staring up at the stars . ”_[0-i] [My]_0-i treacherous mind conjures up an image of just that , [JP]_87-jp naked on [a raft]_{505-a raft} , floating in a pool , [his]_87-jp wild tattoos on display . It ’s , uh . . . it ’s a pleasant visual . “ But now [I]_87-jp ’m here with [you]_87-jp , suffering through this conversation and begging [the kitchen staff]_{2842-the kitchen staff} to hurry up with [my]_87-jp meal so [I]_87-jp can go back to [[my]_87-jp house]_{2843-my house} . ”_[87-jp] [He]_87-jp smirks and asks , “ What do [you]_87-jp plan on doing after this ? ”_[87-jp] Asking [Lottie]_89-kelsey where [Huxley]_90-huxley got that new “ toy ”_[87-jp] so [I]_0-i can ease the tension that has built in [my]_0-i shoulders from this evening . “ Probably folding and ironing laundry while watching a new romcom on Netflix . ”_[87-jp] “ Let [me]_87-jp guess — it ’s a flick about [two people]_{494-two people} meeting , falling madly in love , then [the guy]_{2800-the guy} does something stupid , [the girl]_{2846-the girl} gets mad , [they]_{494-two people} break up only for [him]_{2800-the guy} to make a grand gesture to win back [her]_{2846-the girl} hand , and then it ’s sealed with a happily ever after . ”_[87-jp] [Chin]_110-chin held high , [I]_0-i say , “ If [you]_87-jp must know , yes , that would be the general idea . ”_[0-i] [He]_87-jp snorts . “ [You]_0-i really believe life is like that ? ”_[87-jp] “ [I]_87-jp ’d like to believe there ’s some validity to those stories . If anything , [they]_2847-they give [me]_87-jp hope for the kind of life [I]_87-jp could have . ”_[87-jp] “ [They]_2847-they ’re far - fetched fiction . Life does n’t revolve around [the movie star falling in love with [the lonesome construction worker]_{2849-the lonesome construction worker} and giving up everything to live in [a quirky town]_{2850-a quirky town}]_{2848-the movie star falling in love with the lonesome construction worker and giving up everything to live in a quirky town} . ”_[0-i] “ [You]_0-i know , [JP]_87-jp , just because [your]_0-i life does n’t work that way , does n’t mean [others]_2851-others do n’t . Look at [Lottie]_89-kelsey and [Huxley]_90-huxley , for instance . [Their]_2852-they love story reads heavily like a romantic comedy , with all the twists and turns that a passionate love affair can offer . ”_[87-jp] “ [They]_2852-they ran into [each other]_{333-each other} on [the sidewalk]_{338-the sidewalk} and struck up a deal to help [each other]_{333-each other} . That does n’t really scream romance to [me]_87-jp . ”_[87-jp] “ It ’s a classic trope . ”_[0-i] “ A what ? ”_[506-you] [he]_506-you asks , [his]_506-you face twisting in confusion . “ Ugh . ”_[506-you] [I]_0-i roll [my]_0-i eyes , girding [myself]_0-i to educate [this man]_{2781-this man} on the simple pleasures of the romance community . “ A trope is a plot or theme that helps tell a story . For instance , if [I]_0-i were to label [Huxley]_90-huxley and [Lottie]_89-kelsey ’s romance , [I]_0-i would easily call it ‘ enemies to [lovers]_2856-lovers ’ since [they]_2852-they hated [each other]_{333-each other} , with a smattering of ‘ fake fiancée ’ and a touch of ‘ billionaire . ’ All wildly popular . ”_[0-i] “ Billionaire is a trope ? ”_[506-you] Both [his]_506-you brows raise now in suspicion . “ A very popular one . ”_[506-you] “ So , let [me]_0-i get this straight — [you]_506-you think that [your]_506-you life is going to be some sort of romcom with these tropes ? ”_[0-i] “ No , but [I]_0-i was hoping for better company than [the one currently present]_{2858-the one currently present} , ”_[0-i] [I]_0-i snap at [him]_506-you , taking another sip of [my]_0-i water . “ What ’s wrong with [the present company]_{2859-the present company} ? [We]_2860-we ’re having a healthy conversation . ”_[0-i] “ This is what [you]_506-you consider healthy ? [I]_506-you ’m on the verge of either shooting [my]_506-you water up [your]_506-you nose or roundhouse kicking [you]_506-you to the ground . How does that scream healthy conversation ? ”_[506-you] [His]_506-you lips press together and then after [he]_506-you casually leans back in [his]_506-you chair again , [he]_506-you says , “ Seems to [me]_506-you like [you]_0-i need to go to some anger management classes . ”_[506-you] [I]_0-i wonder if [I]_0-i can get away with forking [JP]_87-jp to death .